Sorry I haven't been around in a while. I'm here to let everyone know that my new cookbook, Eat What You Want and Die Like a Man - The World's Unhealthiest Cookbook - has just been released and is available in stores!

This is my personal backlash against the Food Police. I'm sick of people telling me what to eat, and I'll bet you are, too. There are some foods that just plain taste bad if you use healthy ingredients. And it's nobody's business what you eat, anyway!

I cook with things like lard, cream, butter, beef fat, eggs, sugar, salt, and white flour. I make biscuits with bacon grease. I roast entire pigs, with glaze and stuffing. I smoke turduckens. I age my own beef and cook steaks better than any steakhouse. Should you eat this way every day? Probably not. But if you don't eat this way occasionally, you'll never know what good food tastes like. Don't listen to the self-righteous enemies of pleasure. When they say healthy food is just as good, they have no idea what they're talking about.

I'm a Southerner, so some of my dishes are southern food. I live in Miami now, so I've also picked up a few Latin dishes. And I also like exotic things like deep-fried honey-garlic chicken, doro wat, and goat curry with rotis. My book is full of stuff like this.

Are you a pizza lover, trapped in a place where the pizza is bad? Are you stuck with Papa John's and Domino's every weekend? I pity you. And I give you hope. My book contains all the information you need to make perfect ten-minute New York pizza. I lived in New York; I know good pizza. I found out which ingredients the pros use, and my friend Mike helped me develop a foolproof baking method. We toured Miami's best pizzerias and proved none of them could match my recipe, or his. Apart from the time it takes for the dough to rise and the few minutes the pie sits in the oven, you'll spend a grand total of ten minutes on this recipe,and it's easy.

Here's a list of the chapters. This should give you an idea of whether you'll enjoy the book.

Chapter 1 – Ribs

Chapter 2 – How to Smoke Your [Boston] Butt

Chapter 3 – BBQ Beans, Texas Toast, & the Inevitable Blazing Saddles Reference

Chapter 4 – Breakfast as a Mind-Altering Drug

Chapter 5 – Chicken-Fried Rib Eye on a Huge Biscuit

Chapter 6 – Grease Burgers

Chapter 7 – Cornbread and Navy Beans

Chapter 8 – Turducken: Flight of the Hindenbird

Chapter 9 – Aged Prime Steak Cooked on a Propane Griddle

Chapter 10 – Champagne Chicken With Fettuccine in Cream Sauce

Chapter 11 – Smoked Pork and Andouille Jambalaya

Chapter 12 – Pizzeria-Style Baked Ziti With Sausage

Chapter 13 – Stuffed Hog With Apricot Glaze

Chapter 14 – Unauthentic White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Chili

Chapter 15 – Super-Giant Fried Patacon Tacos

Chapter 16 – Deep-Fried Chinese-Style Honey-Garlic Chicken

Chapter 17 – Rotis and Jamaican-Style Goat Curry

Chapter 18 – Doro Wat - Ethiopian Chicken Stew

Chapter 19 – Hash Brown Casserole with Cheddar and Sour Cream

Chapter 20 – Dreadfully Fattening Macaroni and Cheese

Chapter 21 – Twice-Fried Fries Cooked in Beef Fat

Chapter 22 – Perfect 10-Minute Street Pizza

Chapter 23 – Peach Cobbler

Chapter 24 – Yeast-Raised Fried Doughnuts With Coconut/Banana Sauce

Chapter 25 – Coconut Flan

Chapter 26 – 540-Calorie Brownies

Chapter 27 – Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Hot Fudge Dessert/PMS Remedy

Chapter 28 – Blueberry Butter Cheesecake

Chapter 29 – Baklava With Cheesecake Filling

Chapter 30 – Red Lager and Room-Temperature Brewed Ale

Chapter 31 – Five Greasy Pieces: Quick Recipes for the Hopeless

Bon Appetit!