Paula Deen - The David Blaine of Food TV

 
01-Jul-2007 by

So, I'm sitting here at home, watching Paula Deen's shows on the Food Network. Anyway, have you seen that movie "They Live" with Roddy Piper, where he wears special sunglasses that reveal aliens pretending to be humans? I wonder what Roddy would see when he looked at Paula.

Hey, Paula's awesome, and one of my biggest influences on the Food Network. But has anyone stopped to see the evil stare BEHIND the smile? Like look, everyone (inlcuding me) jumps all over Rachael Ray for being a corporation instead of a person, pointing how she "jumped the shark" when she went all Oprah on us, but is Paula Deen any different?

Paula Deen is Evil

Caption: Paula Deen serves up a basket of heart failure

A quick look at her website reveals that she is hawking books, an "official magazine", a restaurant, 2 TV shows, and a "live tour". See, Paula Deen is the Elvis of Food. Oh right, and let's not forget that she rams her children down our throats at EVERY opportunity, too.

caption: The Romulus and Remus of Coat-Tail-Riders

Here's the best part: No one notices! Or at least not publicly. She's a whiz at self-promotion, and when needed, falls back on her "yokel" accent to keep you on tilt. In effect, she's the David Blaine of Food TV because she's able to make you forget that she's a shrewd business-woman. She makes you forget that her recipes are so unhealthy, they're single-handedly responsible for the majority of Adult-Onset Diabetes cases in America.

Caption: Paula's biscuits are made entirely of butter, mayonnaise, and the tears of starving children

Well, you don't have ME fooled, Beelze-Deen. See, my fiance stood in line to get your autograph for me at our local Wegman's. You know what happened when he dared ask you to write "To Melissa" on it? You REFUSED, saying "But honey, then I'd have to do it for everybody." Ummm, exactly why wouldn't you want to personalize your signatures? I'LL tell you why: Because she's actually been dead for 10 years and replaced by a ROBOT.

caption: Paula Deen will only personalize her signature if you agree to eat an entire basket of whatever-the-hell that is. Including the napkin-liner.

So, why all this hate? Two reasons: #1 - I'm DEADLY jealous. How dare she make a billion dollars a year while I work and slave and make NOT A PENNY at this whole cooking thing! Just because she's smart, talented, and photogenic doesn't mean she's better than me. Okay, so it kind of DOES mean she's better than me. Well then, I'll rely on #2 - The internet is meant for random people like me to say nasty things about people they've never met.

caption: Paula, eagerly awaiting the arrival of Hansel and Gretyl.

I'm on to you, Darth Deen. And if I ever make it big and famous, I'll deny ever having written this. So there.

Comments

Ganesh Dutta profile page

Ganesh Dutta says :

really interesting.......good to know about Paula! but mellisa you present a great blog with nice pictures! thanks!
Posted on: 1 July 2007 - 12:21pm
The Tortilla Guy profile page

The Tortilla Guy says :

Sounds almost like that Martha woman !!! The Tortilla Guy
Posted on: 1 July 2007 - 2:03pm
missdiane profile page

missdiane says :

Ah, I've ranted more than once on my vox about good ol' Paula. I'm sure she's just as syrupy nice as she is on tv, BUT good grief do people really need to imitate making the heart attack fare she puts out there? Makes me wonder if she's found a way yet to make deep fried sticks of butter...
Posted on: 1 July 2007 - 8:13pm
khau_khan profile page

khau_khan says :

you are right - she looks like Darth Deen. And you seem really pissed with her too
Posted on: 4 July 2007 - 2:39pm
Melissa profile page

Melissa says :

I don't hate Paula! I was just pointing out how crafty she is. I was watching her Chefography, and saw that she even was handed a movie role! No audition! She out Rachael-Ray's Rachael Ray! She could have easily had a talk show. But instead she flew under the radar. And, it's fun to pick on the kids of celebrities...
Posted on: 7 July 2007 - 12:02am
Hyde Ray profile page

Hyde Ray says :

It is nice to see pics in intro para. This blog is very visual and appealing, but somehow I missed it first time around. Now with pics in teaser it stands out.
Posted on: 5 July 2007 - 7:07pm
Melissa profile page

Melissa says :

Thanks! Somehow, I didn't miss those LEGS the first time around! Hot'cha!
Posted on: 7 July 2007 - 12:03am
joanne cain profile page

joanne cain says :

That is a hilarious read and very interesting views! I also agree that Rachel Ray is more of a corporation than a person but I had no idea Paula had the same motives. Yikes!  -Jojo
Posted on: 6 July 2007 - 12:09pm
Dancingfountain profile page

Dancingfountain says :

I agree with the unhealthy part. Nothing but heart attack on a plate! At the end of the day it is all commercial. There is no such thing as genuine love for food on Food Network !
Posted on: 6 July 2007 - 6:53pm
Melissa profile page

Melissa says :

Oh no! Please don't think that! I think there's a love of Food on the Food Network. That's still my favorite channel of all time!
Posted on: 7 July 2007 - 12:02am
Anonymous

missingout01 says :

I must admit that the Paula Deen so prominent on tv now is not the Paula Deen we grew to love and respect. She has definitely become too commercialized. It's all about the money now. If you visit her website, you'll see how overpriced all the items are that she has to sell. Not only that, she's getting her entire family set up for the good life--her husband has his own brand of coffee, she set her brother up in the restaurant business and he now has a cookbook on the market, and her sons had their own show on the Food Network but it didn't survive more than one season so she's getting them more involved in her shows. I've met Paula personally and it is her policy not to personalize her autographs; however she did personalize one for me. I have loved her and enjoyed watching her for years, but I'm beginning to lose interest. She's become too fake and overbearing. That laugh has about gotten me, and if I hear her say ya'll one more time, I think I'll puke--and I'm a southerner! I love her recipes but I only cook them for special occasions or when I'm taking a dish to someone or to cookout or gathering. People wait for hours on end to get into her restaurant hoping to catch a glimpse of Paula or her sons and of course to taste her food. She never goes to the restaurant any more because she says it creates too much of a disturbance. The boys are there occasionally but unless you're a celebrity, you probably won't catch a glimpse of them either. I must admit, the food I had there was absolutely wonderful. Have you seen her new teeth yet? In my opinion her teeth overpower her face now. My guess is her next "improvement" is going to be a facelift. She's beginning to show her age and a woman of her stature will certainly take action against aging. Paula is no spring chicken, and I realize she's not going to be able to keep up her current pace too much longer. She's doing all she can to make sure her family members are taken care of so they won't have to worry about finances--including her grandchildren. She's worked hard to get where she is now, but it might not be a bad idea for her to stop and think about how things used to be to bring her feet back down to earth. People fell in love with her because she was real and genuine--she's lost that somewhere along the way--along with her appeal!
Posted on: 11 July 2008 - 11:16pm
shantihhh profile page

shantihhh says :

I have liked watching her or Emeril fix FAT FOODS. Mario Batali is an eccellent chef and his recipes really are awesome, but so much on the food network is all cleavege and "entertainment". My favourite TV chef, Ming Tsi is gone and also Michael Charello. All time favourite is Tony Bourdain-real! Guess good chefs can't sustain the audience of those who watch and don't cook. It is reported the target audience of Food Network, is male 15 to 35, and I believe it. Fortunately PBS, Discovery, and Travel Channels have far better chefs. Shanti/Mary-Anne
Posted on: 12 July 2008 - 5:48pm
Anonymous

Anonymous says :

I agree with all of the comments regarding Ms. Paula Deen. It is unfortunate that success has changed her so dramatically. She is a fake. Her show is contrived. I am sure that her many employees are over-worked, irritable, and underpaid. I don't want to see her kids, and I definitely don't want to see her enormous, fake, expensive, and messed-up teeth. She could take off her diamond rings when doing biscuits, if she wasn't so worried her status. I do wish Ms. Deen happiness, but I doubt she will find it. Her life is now about money and financial statements. I'm sure too many people want a bit too much from her.
Posted on: 8 June 2009 - 3:35pm
Anonymous

mimi10 says :

her 1st show she had a pleasant low speaking voice- now she's bawdy, loud and she should remember, what the good Lord giveth, he can take away.
Posted on: 22 December 2009 - 7:40pm
Anonymous

Anonymous says :

Have anyone notice how different Paula Deen looks..? Did she get a face lift..? She looks like she is scared with her eyebrows lifted.
Posted on: 22 March 2010 - 4:20pm
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