"Beet ever so onion there snow peas legume."
Margaret Thornley, ‘A Kick in the Seat of the Pants' by Roger von Oech

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." 
Henny Youngman.

"'twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it."
W. C. Fields.

"I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." 
Winston Churchill.

"And you, madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning."
Winston Churchill, replying to Bessie Braddock MP who told him he was drunk.

"Give me liberty or... OOOooo... A jelly donut !"
Homer Simpson

"If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it probably needs a little more time in the microwave."
Lori Dowdy

"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer."
Clement Freud.

"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again."
George Miller.