Keep the Dialogue Going

By: Tracey Thibodeau Serebin

In all ages, across the board, the biggest gift that you can give your child is the gift of open communication.  By getting your child to dialogue about their feelings early on, the better off your child will be, and the stronger your relationship will be into the future. This article will highlight three examples of different stages of communication with children. 

Much of the anger being expressed by younger kids today is due to their inability to express their feelings verbally.  It could be that your 2 –5 year old is upset, frustrated or unhappy, but because he or she can’t find the words to really express what they are feeling, the result is anger.

One four year old boy named Evan was brought to my office by his mother who had been experiencing head banging temper tantrums since the age of 2.  After a few sessions I learned from him that “there were too many rules” and he didn’t like “the yelling in the house.”  While working with his mother on the rules part, I worked with both parents on the yelling issue, but most importantly I really had his mother focus on dialoging with Evan to express the reasons behind the anger, so his parents could find out why he was mad.  Many times children aren’t sure how their parents will take what they have to say as well, so they don’t say it.  In Evan’s case he didn’t know whether his mother would be angry that he felt there were too many rules, or his father would yell even more if he told him to stop yelling.

Whenever Evan would get angry, I wanted his mother to get in front of him and start asking “why” he was angry.  She needed to let him know that “she wanted to help him get rid of his anger and together they would fix whatever was making him upset.”  Frequently parents are trying to deal with the anger, but they aren’t finding out why their child is angry. Always remember, by figuring out the “why” you can fix the problem. 

Of course the articulation of feelings may not come right away – many times a child will say, “I don’t know why.” But if a parent is consistent and keeps sharing that they care about their child’s feelings and they do want to help; that child will start opening up.  Evan is now a very articulate, happy boy and he and his mother have a very strong relationship.

With Evan, as with any child, the rewards of open dialoging are priceless.  By keeping that communication going, and always being open for your child to talk, express their feelings and concerns, that anger and frustration will not only go away, but you won’t have to guess anymore about what is going on with your child -- he will tell you.

The flip side of that situation is by not getting that dialogue of emotions flowing early on your child may grow up holding in their feelings and building walls around their emotions.  Mandie a ten-year-old girl has been holding in her feelings for so long that she can’t even access them.  She has created protective shields so as to not show any vulnerabilities; but as she hides her feelings, with no place to go, they build up inside and what her mom experiences are the temper tantrums and meltdowns when those bottled up feelings finally explode.   If Mandie and her mother had started a dialogue about feelings early on, those walls would not have been built.  To now break down those walls will require intense dialoguing between Mandie and her mother whenever situations occur in the future.  (She needs to have a situation occur to see how it feels to her and then be able to talk about it – she isn’t able to have a conversation about feelings)  She has to relearn how to access her feelings and feel safe in doing that.  That will require changing her habit of protection.

The third example is when dialogue runs into an impasse, which is more likely to occur around the pre-teen and teenage years.  Amy came into my office overcome with anxiety. She was feeling so alone dealing with peer relationship issues, school pressures and she felt her parents didn’t understand her.  Come to find out she had a good relationship with her parents, who really did understand her, but for whatever reason she was feeling disconnected from them. 

Sometimes within the hustle and bustle of daily life children lose that connection and may find themselves feeling alone and unequipped to connect with their parents, when they may need them the most.  Numerous times I will play facilitator between parents and kids by reopening the communication flow and getting everyone back on the same page. 

In Amy’s case she only needed someone to show they cared and was on her side, some private time with her father out on a camping trip, and quality time with her mother shopping and talking, to have Amy’s anxiety go away and make her feel secure again. 

Whatever the age of your child, it is never too early to get that dialogue going and keep it going.  If your dialogue has broken down and all you are getting is superficial verbiage, make an extra effort to dig deeper.  The only way you can help your child is to know how he or she is feeling and what is going on in their world.

Have fun connecting!

©2005TraceyT.Serebin


Tracey Serebin is a Family Coach and Founder of A Child’s Voice located in northern New Jersey working with kids, parents and families. 

She is a family dynamics and communication specialist with over 15 years experience.  She has published two books 101 Questions for Expectant Parents: Preserving your Relationship through the Transition and Searching for Inspiration on the Infertility Rollercoaster.  She hosts a Radio show entitled Family Matters on WebTalkRadio.net and conducts motivational seminars across the country.   www.TraceySerebin.com  or  888-261-7177.