Amy Wins Next Food Network Star!

Well, unless you've been living under a culinary rock, you should know that Amy Finley "Outwitted, Outplayed, and Outlasted" the other contestants in "Next Food Network Star".  And what a ride it was!

caption: The contestants show us their magical, invisible cuisine.

First of all, if you have the opportunity, I suggest you take a look at all of their audition videos on the Food Network's Myspace Page.  I say this, because during the contest, I kept thinking to myself, "Why are some of these people HERE?  Is the Food Network THAT blind?!?!"

But it turns out, the Food Network was as bamboozled as we were.  Even the dullest TV contestants (cough cough... Patrick and Salmon.. cough) had high energy, better-than-average audition tapes.  I ESPECIALLY recommend looking at Paul's.  If he had acted any more like a stereotypical homosexual man on the show, he would've stripped to his skivvies and jumped on a parade float while "It's Raining Men" was blasting through the loudspeakers.  But his audition tape was actually AWESOME.  It showed him, under pressure, cooking for a catering event that he was short-handed for, speaking to the camera in a matter-of-fact tone that made you think "Man, he knows what he's talking about".  Why he felt it necessary to do his best impression of Rip Taylor during the contest, I'll never know.

And if I have to watch that clip of him during the Iron Chef challenge telling Alton Brown that plum tomatoes come from "Plummy" ONE MORE TIME, I might need to destroy my TV.

Aaaaaanyway, onto the final - Rory vs. Amy.  All week long I had LITERALLY been dreading the show, because I was convinced that America was dumb and Rory was going to skate in on her highly conic, squeezed-together breasts.  But then something happened:

They showed Rory's mini-biography FIRST. 

All of a sudden I perked up.  Wouldn't the Food Network want to show the bio of the winner directly before announcing the winner?  And PLEASE tell me I'm not the only one that noticed her cowboy/boyfriend's highly-two-toned hat tan.  He looked like a before and after commercial for self-tanner.  Anyway, her bio was a mess.  They glossed over her fame-grubbing stint on "Popularity Contest", and for a woman planning a "Backyard Bistro", she suddenly seemed like she was gunning for a "cowboy cuisine" show.  Sorry, Nibbles.  If you had said that from the beginning, you might just have been the bride instead of the bridesmaid.  Again.  Grinning like a Cheshire Cat, though, and constantly moistening her teeth with her tongue, she was confident.

Then they played Amy's mini-biography, and I realized a serious flaw in the Food Netowrk's plan:  WHY DIDN'T THEY SHOW THESE BEFORE WE VOTED?!?!?!  Amy's huge polygamous-looking family (Attention Food Network Lawyers - that's a JOKE, not an accusation!) seemed like a fun group of folks, and to find out that Amy routinely cooks for all of them... she was a shoo-in.

And then... the final moment.  Emeril walks on stage with a "sealed" envelope, but walks right up to Amy and tells her "congratulations" before quickly stepping back and saying congratulations to both of them.  Look, I watched Emeril's failed sitcom.  I already KNOW the man can't act.  He gave up the winner 30-seconds before cue, and Rory started crying.  Amy was announced the winner, and Rory showed her back to the camera for the last couple of minutes, showing all of us how gracious a loser she is. 

So... all hail the next Guy Fieri, our own "Gourmet Next Door"...

AMY.  Anyone want to bet on whether or not she'll have visited the orthodontist before her show airs? 

Hee hee, I can be such a beyotch sometimes!